Snakes on a MFin Plane

As promised, my own personal review of Snakes on a Plane. Or, as I typed the first time, Snakes on a Plan. Who needs "E" anyway? I can guess "Alex Karras in Webster" using just Q's and the Batman symbol. Wow, my first Family Guy reference. Who knew it'd take this long? I feel like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Take that, Atlas. Carry that M-F'er for eternity.

So I started watching Snakes on a Plane between the football games on Sunday. I (hell, ANYONE) can use that internet thingy to acquire almost any movie as soon as it shows up in the theater (albeit usually not good quality), but I don't watch much for movies, so I don't exercise that ability without a gun pointed at my head. For most movies, if I actually want to see them, I'll just go to the theater. But this one, I waited for the DVD to come out. So we pop it in between games and watch the first 15 minutes of it. Much of the action in the first 15 minutes is fast-moving and doesn't make much sense right away, but becomes clear later on in the movie. My suggestion is to not play with a dog during the first 15 minutes. I made that mistake, and I missed a guy's head get bashed in with a baseball bat. Oops.

From here on out, let me just say, I take no responsibility for spoiler material. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to write, but it could potentially ruin the movie for you if you've not seen it, so if you want to watch it without bias, STOP READING. a.k.a. SPOILER ALERT.

So there were several things that either didn't make sense in the movie, or were just totally unnecessary. Having the young couple join the mile high club shortly before joining the six feet under club really didn't add anything to the movie aside from the gratuitous boob shots. Don't get me wrong, I think adding boobs to just about any movie is a good idea, if for no other reason than to prevent a bunch of douchebag under-agers into the theater when I go to see a movie, but in an otherwise gettin'-it-on-free movie, it was a stretch.

Then, SLJackson's FBI agent partner takes a snake hit and goes upstairs to die, and SLJ's visibly upset by this. Mr. Hard-Ass to this point in the movie, he's visibly shaken. Come on. Pussy.

Then, among all the poisonous snakes, here comes super-ultra-mega python into the mix. Yeah, like that fat bastard would fit through the standard non-door compartments to get into the regular passenger compartments.

And then, after a movie full of regular dialog, we get the "glory shot" of SLJ coming to the ultimate conclusion. "I'm sick of these mutherfuckin' snakes on this mutherfuckin' plane" Watch it. Very out of place.

And the dimwit snake farmer or whatever the hell you call him. Hmmm, I wonder if they'll be able to figure out it was him who supplied all the snakes. Gee, it took the snake expert like, what, ten seconds to come to that conclusion and drop his name? Foresight-be-damned, I'm gonna make a buck when presented with the opportunity, and I won't expect the FBI to figure out it's me.

And then, when they shoot out the plane windows, Jackson's able to shoot out the second window before he's pulled toward the hole in the plane's side. Um, after shooting out the first one, I think all motor function is put on temporary hold while the air movement balances out the pressure difference. Note to any FBI agents reading this: if you ever shoot a window out of a plane, do NOT fire a second round within seconds of firing the first. Likely, you'll end up hitting something you didn't intend to hit as your arms are swayed by massive amounts of sudden air movement.

Not to mention that, while the side of the aircraft ruptures around the windows, the seats remain planted, and HUGE stuff, like people's bodies, come rushing out the side from the rear of the plane. But they conveniently come whipping down the aisle, then take a 90 degree turn to exit out the hole in the plane. Not in my physics world, buddy.

I remember there were alot of other things I cringed at while watching this movie, but either that's enough, or I just can't remember what the other things were. Either way, after I watched the first fifteen minutes of the movie, I couldn't wait (although I did) to watch the rest of the movie. Then, after watching the next fifteen minutes, I still couldn't wait (although I did) to watch the rest of the movie. Then, when I finally concluded the movie, I couldn't wait to NOT watch the movie again. Then again, I watched the first two fifteen-minute stretches on my buddy's 62 inch HD DLP television with surround sound, and watched the rest of it on my own 20 inch tube television sans surround while looking at pseudo-porn online on my computer, but I really don't think it really factored into the entertainment value of the movie.

G'day, mate.