Big Pickle

So I got a review today. I found out that I'm a good technical writer and that I am good at technical aspects of my job. Considering that my job is technical, I'd say that's a positive. Unfortunately, the raise that goes with the review wasn't really spectacular enough to turn heads. It more than covers the increase of the Roth IRA max contribution for this year, but let's just say that I won't be going out and buying that 42-foot yacht just yet.

I really need to come up with that whirlwind idea to make millions soon. Powerball's up to $155 million this weekend, so maybe I'll strike it rich there. Luckily for me, I have a job that's so stimulating and rewarding that I'd keep it even if I won that much money. (GAG)

I think if I won the big money lottery, I'd hire someone to blog for me. Preferably someone who has posed for Playboy within the last five years. There's nothing more I'd like to be than a sexist employer. I mean, being a racist employer would be ok, I suppose, but being a sexist employer would be much better. I mean, imagine standing in front of a judge defending yourself, saying something like, "If it's not perfectly acceptable to make comments about how ridiculously large her breasts are, then why did she have her breasts made that ridiculously large?" It may not win the favor of the court, but it would make me laugh inside. Maybe outside, too. Even if it didn't, I'd be rich, so I could buy laughter, the same way I'd be able to buy happiness. And a big pickle when I go to Jimmy John's.

On a different note, the bathroom here has one of those seeing-eye faucets. You know, the kind that lead the blind around and are allowed in restaurants and such even when regular faucets are not? Or maybe I'm talking about the kind that don't have any knobs and are turned on when you walk up to them (kind like a nympho). Well the one in the bathroom here is almost like it's controlled by a human. A human who has a death wish (sentence fragment alert!). The thing just randomly turns on when you stand in front of it. Your hands don't even need to be anywhere near the faucet area. Then, just as you're about to rinse the last of the soap off of your hands, it shuts off and won't turn back on until you step away and let it reset for twenty seconds.

Every once in awhile, it even gets confused by its own spray. The faucet has such a fine end on it that it sprays really hard and fine, and tiny droplets of water go spraying everywhere. The droplets eventually cover up the seeing eye, and then it can't sense that there's nothing there anymore, so it just keeps going.

There may be a place for automatic faucets (airports, McDonald's, etc.), but I don't believe the office environment is that place. Just let me control the damn water flow. And the flushing. If anything should be automatic in the bathroom, it's the soap dispenser, because it's so attractive to just extend your hand and have some nozzle shoot gooey liquid into your palm.

Keep it clean, kids.